When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm just crazy horny about you
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
