oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
where am i from again
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize