I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Randomize
