There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
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