Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
