I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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