Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
