tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i drank out of a bidet.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
