Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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