well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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