new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
