Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
