Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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