I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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