I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
