She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize