Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
