So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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