There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
