I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Randomize
