Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
