Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
