just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
