So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
