"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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