Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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