I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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