so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
