She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
