The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i think im in europe. pls send help
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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