We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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