Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
