Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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