I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
