I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
