just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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