There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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