She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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