Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
