Sorry, I don't speak sober.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
