just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
