She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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