evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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