You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
