sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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