You're earring is so big in my mouth
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
