you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
