So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize