Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
