I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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