you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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