I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
