In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
