Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
