tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize