somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
