Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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